Gort vs The Man: We review hipster classic Empire Records

Commander's Log, Stardate 05062013.2:

All was in readiness. Commander Manning was docking with the Mothership. It had been a tough week cleaning every corner of the ship after Commander Walter's latest coup attempt, but we had made it in time.

Oh Gorty, you're so sexy!

As Commander Manning stepped through the airlock and pulled off his helmet to allow his expertly coiffed perm flick across his head, Helen Cox of New Empress magazine, who had attended the inspection only to see the famous Commander Manning, screamed and fainted in hysteria.

Gort began to power up his disintegrator beam in pure rage, but I put a hand on his robotic shoulder to stay his wrath.

"Gort, we mustn't dwell... no, not today. We can't. Not on Commander Manning day."

Gort vs strippers and werewolves: Jim Moon reviews retro exploitation flick Strippers Vs Werewolves

Commander's log, Stardate 29052013.2:

"Bloody hell! What happened here?!" Admiral Moon spluttered as he appeared on the communication channel.

"Uuuh, it's a long story, sir," I muttered, trying to step in front of the debris left over from Commander Walter's monkey-army rampage, "We'll have this cleaned up very soon."

"You'd better, Commander. Commander Manning will be visiting very shortly, and you know how he can be," the Admiral said. "Sweet space-Jesus, this place is more of a mess than the film I saw last night."

"What film was that, sir?" I asked.

"Well..."

Gort vs gun crime: We review 70s revenge thriller Handgun

Commander's log, Stardate 20052013.2:

The Mothership was a mess. Finally managing to flag down Commander Wiseau, who happened to be passing, we had made our escape from the uninhabited planetoid where we'd been left by our hyper-intelligent simian Judas. When we made it home, we found our ship being ransacked by a horde of rampaging monkeys that our nemesis had created to back him up. When I confronted the original monkey, I was rather confused when he began talking.

"Greetings, Commander. Welcome home - my home. At last, I shall have my revenge," the monkey said in what sounded much like Commander Walter's voice. "Yes, it is I. Your robotic manservant took some shortcuts to creating this super-ape. He used my brain as a template for the clone and now I have a monkey army."

"I have a Gort," I replied as Gort powered up his disintegrator beam.